Application in Lieu of Audition for Black Label Movement

Dear Mr. Artistic Director Flink,

I am writing to apply for the BLM position of "male and female physical risk-takers with strong athletic contemporary dance technique and partnering skills."
In lieu of a hoity-toity resume, I am e-sending you an accurate list of my qualifications that should appropriately woo you into realizing that I am in fact what your company has been looking for.

QUALIFICATIONS

• I am a male, so I meet one of your company's basic requirements right off the bat, even without lifting a finger and expending unnecessary energy. Verification of my maleness will be sent upon request.

• I am a dancer in my 6th decade of life; therefore, I  bring lots of good, old experience to your company.

• I take physical risks every time I jump into the air or roll along the floor. Heck, sometimes just standing still without looking foolish and embarrassing my teenage daughter is challenging.

• I am willing to continue this risky behavior as long as someone is willing to watch and/or pay me for it.

• My partnering skills are impeachable! I strive to arsefully give and take weight with any partner, even those upwards of 80 lbs. I perform daily piggy-back rides with my 8-year old, spinning around at breakneck speeds while peddling on one arm, holding a 'Skinnie' in my other hand, and being frantically chased by our mini-dachschund, Zacchaeus. Yes, everyman in our house is small.

• I am restricted to performing partnering routines with women of the female persuasion only. Any woman, up to 80 lbs and possessing excessive hotness is acceptable.

• Another consideration that will hardly be an issue is my rare skin condition that allows me to wear only head scarves and heavily talced dance belts. My contract will state that I will provide the scarves, but the company must provide the dance belts and blocks of talc. If this is a deal breaker, I may be convinced to break into my vault of gold lemet dance belts from my days with Ted Shawn's Men Dancers. The shiny belts were a highly prized commodity then, and with the current gold market, I imagine they have simply skyrocketed in value and fashion sense.

• As kismet would have it, I am located in Northfield, just an hour south of the Twin Cities, so it will not be much of an inconvenience for your company to travel down here for our hourly rehearsal each week.

• Due to the hazardous materials used in a long ago solo about Hiroshima and the male gaze, I have developed a unique attribute called Frozen Facial Scoliosis. Please see attached Head Shot. A picture is worth a thousand words. Although screaming children, women and weak men can add to the ambiance of a performance experience, I recommend a substantial number of the solos you choreograph for me include ample upstage facings and/or silhouettes.

• In closing and due to the strength of my application, kick-butt dance-ability and previous experience, I do not plan on attending the formality of an audition. Please let me know when rehearsals start and what tax bracket the pay will place me in.

My best to you and our wonderful collaborative future with the new BLM.

Anthony Roberts, Country Boy Done Good